Admiration

This is my blog away from blogging. During my year as Grand Worthy Advisor I started a blog just for Rainbow purposes to write about the events I attend and the feelings I have and the things that I do. I wanted to be able to look back and have the words I wrote put me right back into that moment. This blog, however, is just me being me, thoughts, feelings, crazy ramblings, I feel like I can put it out here. I haven't posted on this blog in quite a while just because I have been blogging on the other one and I have been caught up in school, Rainbow, Delta Gamma and everything else I find myself associated with. The inspiration for this blog was a picture and the blog posting connected to it. I'm not going to link it, but I promise its amazing. As I re-read the words for the 3rd or 4th time I found myself thinking 'Wow, I really admire her. Her faith, conviction, and especially, her artistry in both the words and the photograph.' As it often does, from that point my brain went into a tangent of thinking about all of the amazing people I admire. That was when it really hit me the ridiculous number of people in my life deserving of admiration. It was actually a little baffling to me that I have had the opportunity to interact with so many of them. I know that I admire some people that I will never interact with, but the sheer number of those that I have already interacted with when I didn't even realize at the time what a privilege it was to run into them. Many of my friends in high school are some of the strongest most passionate people I know and I find myself admiring many of their qualities as well as some of the things that they have been able to accomplish. Fully recognizing that I have a completely biased opinion I have to say that there are many Masonic Leaders so worthy of admiration. Even some of those who will never hold leadership positions on a grand level, but oh the ones that have. So many of the State Heads that I have interacted with are so worthy of praise and admiration, but that don't seek it out, they simply do what they do because they love it which is part of what makes them such wonderful people. Even those who I have been unable to meet, I hear all kinds of stories about these people and you can just tell by the way people talk that they were someone special.

Joan Priscilla "Perky" Kilbourn PhD.

She was my grandmother, but she was so much more than that. She was my mom's mom, my grandpa's partner. She was reckless, responsible, intelligent, fun, crazy, fantastic. She was someone I will always look up to. I'm so glad Laurie wrote her stories down because I know that there are so many more than the ones that I have in my head, but I love the ones I have in my head because they mean so much to me. I love that she told me about climbing a mountain (possibly multiple) because it reminded me of her adventurous spirit and that she would go after whatever she wanted. I didn't get to spend much time there, but visiting her at her Microbiology lab when I was younger (like 6, so the following sentences are not the most educated) was the coolest thing ever. She had carbon (magic) paper, that would copy things she typed, and she typed stuff on this old school typewriter. She helped people, they came to her office with questions or things she needed to look at and she just helped them because it was her job. She could look at things super close with her microscope and grow stuff by putting those plates in her warmy thingy (I remind you I was 6) She was so smart and she loved science so much and even from a young age she shared that love with me through her lab, books, and just teaching me things whenever she could. Beyond that there was the fact that she loved women's basketball, and so I still have a T-shirt from when the Portland Fire WNBA team existed because she took me to games, and she loved it because she played basketball and as she likes to say she "played before Title IX existed" I can't stand gingerbread cookies because they always seem to be overcooked and the flavor isn't that good and they just aren't my favorite but every year I HAD HAD HAD to make the traditional gingerbread cookies with Grandma because it was what we did, and the one year we couldn't make them at the house she bought me a pre-made set and we decorated them at her office just so we could say that we had done gingerbread cookies. One of the newer but unbelievably special memories that I have now, is when she told me (after I received my bid card) that she was a Xi Omega at Willamette because that is what her older sister was, but that she really wanted to be a Delta Gamma. It is so special to me that we share that and that I was able to join Delta Gamma at Willamette.

These memories and so many more are what I have to cling to now that she is gone. I sit here with tears in my eyes remembering what a great woman she was and how much she means to me. She was always so full of life, spirit and love for everyone. I love her dearly and miss her daily and wrote this tribute to her as a way to express my feelings for her.

The Pre-Rhetoric Blog

Okay, so in actuality I thought that I would have more time for this, and I suppose I have some time but not enough as I would like. Normally in my world blogging is like this just-shut-out-the-world and type sort of experience and because math class was canceled and my rhetoric reading was RIDICULOUSLY long and so I skimmed it and based on the other people who are in the class as early as I am that apparently I am not the only one and so that makes me feel a little bit better and a little bit worse all at the same time. In reality this blog post was not intended to be on my impending rhetoric class but on life in general. I figured my mom and Crista (the two people that actually read my blog) would be interested because sometimes I like to pretend that I have more audience members than I actually have. So its towards the end of February, which by the way is the worst word to spell and it just kills me because I have had to type it over and over again, I feel like normally I don't write the word as much as I have been this month. This also is not the point of the blog post, jeez, I'm more easily distracted than my father. We have our first non-pledge OV this Saturday which is awesome, because that means that it is finally spring and time to go and actually start things and it generally goes faster this time of year because there is just so much of this time of year and before you know it it is grand assembly. anyway the professor is here and I have to pay attention.

30 Day Challenge and Other Commitment Issues

Its week three of the semester. The first too weeks were kind of good and a struggle at the same time, there was just so much to do and so much multi tasking in my world which just makes things really hard because we talked in one of my classes about the fact that multi tasking isn't actually multi tasking because you can only focus your brain on one thing at a time and so your really just shifting ALL of your attention back and forth. I feel like I've been doing that a lot, have to shift my attention and compartmentalize my brain and just various things of that nature. Because of that ever shifting of attention and priority from one thing to another, sometimes things get dropped by the wayside.

Recently it was the 30 day challenge, which of all the things for me to bail out on isn't a big deal except that it feels like it to me just because it represents more than that. The background of this is that it was this picture thing on facebook where each day you post a picture of something based on the prompt from the challenge for that given day. My problem was I got like two weeks behind and everyday I would remember and say "Oh I'll catch up today" and then I wouldn't, Zach even reminded me that I hadn't kept up with it. Part of the reason I wanted to do it was because I really wanted to be honest with myself and look into those prompts and find some really good pictures and just discover some things that are my favorites or whatever that I hadn't looked at in a while. I mean that is why we take pictures is to go back through them later and enjoy them and look at them. I was disappointed that I had fallen so short with it because I guess part of it was just proving to myself that I could do something everyday, something small and little but I could get it done. I have a major problem with remembering to do something once a day everyday, like taking medication and these pictures and stuff like that, my memory is terrible. It makes me worried for when I won't have people everywhere taking care of me and reminding me to keep myself together and making sure all aspects of my life are in order.

That is the other thing is the shifting between aspects of my life. We were talking about this, sort of, in my sociology class (which I love by the way) the idea that everyone is playing a character and that depending the setting that they are in, it will affect the character that they play and I have known that for quite a while. Malika the Willamette Student, differs from the DG, the Rainbow Girl, the Eastern Star member, the Amaranth member, the daughter, the niece, the auntie, the friend, the confidant, the adventurer, the space cadet, the girlfriend, the small child. It all depends on the audience that I am playing to, I mean sometimes these characters get combined. I just thinks its funny because I always thought that I wasn't a very good actor when really I am acting all the time.

I feel like thats all I have to say for right now. I'm thinking of switching over to a tumblr, but the only person who reads my blog is my mom (love you!) so I doubt the switch would make a GINORMOUS (which looks like a fake word) difference to anyone but her.

A Summary of 2010, even though I finished it in 2011

2010, lets see, the beginning of 2010 found me watching a Lifetime Original movie with Taylor, Jordan and Chris, it was called maneater and had Sarah Chalke from Scrubs in it. After I finished out my extended (Thank you private school) version of Winter Break, my months became this even split of School, Rainbow and Spending time with Kyle. January, the school front seemed to include new and exciting classes and lots of time on the roof of Terra (Thank you Heidi's window for not having a screen), January is installation month so I did a whole bunch of that, and I considered joining a sorority because I knew it was something that I wanted but with Rainbows the timing just wasn't right and I really wasn't ready.

I'm going to just sort of whirlwind February-March-April and hit the highlights through all of that. I'm doing this based off of my pictures so I'll probably end up missing some things and rambling on like an idiot but thats how I roll. There were a good number of Official Visits during this time which I always really enjoy, I love going to Rainbow events, its silly but I love it. On that note I have to hit the MAJOR MAJOR highlight of Statewide, which was pretty much the LONGEST rainbow day ever, and it will be longer this year because last year I managed to sneak out without going to the dance but apparently its required now, anyway I'm catching a wave back to my original topic. I got a page that day, which was super duper exciting to me, plus it was the one my mom predicted (and hoped for) which was pretty awesome. Also, the grand line rocked the talent show. Plus I got to spend part of the day with Dakota (from Nevada) probably one of the coolest people I know. I also have to mention that we almost got another dog, Charlie, he was super adorable but kinda crazy, not in like the run around like a puppy crazy but in a super over protective over the people he is living with crazy. April finished out with going the Conclave Installation, which was really cool because I had never been to a Demolay installation before but I was always impressed when they did ceremonies other places.

On the school side of things, life was okay but not great. I felt a lot better second semester just because I had made it through at least 1 of everything. One 8 am class, at least one midterm, at least one final, more than one paper, so I felt more confident 2nd semester. Things would be better, not necessarily easier, but I just got so excited because with more freedom I was able to be more myself as far as picking classes and determining if my life plan was actually something I wanted to do. I picked out classes that I thought would tell me if Math and American Studies (something that I found on a whim and had an immediate passion for) and it worked, I loved my foundations class so much I asked the professor to be my advisor. I went crazy taking notes in my American Studies class, I loved the days when Professor Strelow would go on rants and just tell stories, share his knowledge and his life with us because he has had such an interesting amazing life.

The problem wasn't during the day though, it wasn't classes, it was my procrastination. I thought it was bad in high school but it was terrrrribbbbbllllleeee last semester. I would stay up all hours of the night because I didn't start my homework until late and then I'd always (well almost always) be up for 8 am chinese. I didn't take care of myself, I treated my body like crap and I think it really affected my emotions as well.

One thing that I need to mention as far as the lack of sleep goes is my idiotic habit of pulling multiple all nighters, the one that was the best terrible experience I have ever had was our late night/early morning (we left at like 3 am) going to the beach and then Heidi not wanting to actually walk down the stairs to get to the beach, and so we left and she fell asleep in the car and Mariah and I stopped at the sketchiest diner ever, and did our homework and had french toast and orange juice.

The good thing was that Kyle tended to balance it out. He helped keep me grounded, April was our 1 year and it just felt so amazing that we had been together for so long and been through so much. He really cares about me and takes care of me. He tries so hard to make sure that everything is okay for me and that I take care of myself.

Finally, the summer, which I am choosing to start in May because that is when exciting things started happening and my second semester ended. May was my trip to Nevada for the GWAAR and the GWAR which was so much fun as well as my first In-n-Out burger which was exciting, I even got one of those silly hats. Then all of a sudden it was the end of school and time to prepare for our Official Visit, I think I gave my favorite reception speech to date my updated pot of gold lecture.

Then June, July, and August, rush by in a blurrrrrrr. I was appointed Grand Worthy Associate Advisor in the middle of my multiple Grand Assemblies. Nevada then Oregon then Washington/Idaho then the biggun' the Supreme Assembly, then Grandie Retreat, then it was time for the Corn booth which flowed straight into Opening Days which flowed straight into the start of school. Like I said blurrrrrrrrrrrrr. Somewhere in the middle of it I turned 19 and other stuff happened.

School has been so much better this semester with some minor exceptions. I have had two living situations, both of which were completely awesome. Living in WISH with Mariah was pretty boss as we created our hippie room with our peace sign carpet and bean bag and everything. But then I joined DG and walked my stuff down the street (literally) and all of a sudden I was sharing my "closet" with Kate and sleeping in a gigantic, perpetually freezing room. As I settled in I realized how amazing that space was and all the women were and how many of them I look up to now. I was finally feeling more stable, going to bed at reasonable hours, not making the ridiculous mistakes that I made at the beginning of 2010, I thought I was really growing up and doing a lot better. There was a problem though, I still felt this crazy emptiness, I just felt so depressed and like I was still missing happiness in my life even though the things going on should be making me feel happy. I would be constantly questioning things and I just couldn't get out of my own head space. Finally with the help of a friend I went to talk to someone which was much more successful than that same attempt in 2009 and she sent me to someone else who got me on medicine.

So I am really looking forward to 2011 and being able to really enjoy it and not feel that emptiness things will be good. This will be a big and exciting year, during this year I will finish over half of my time at Willamette University (the undergrad program at least) and I will be installed as the Grand Worthy Advisor of Oregon Rainbow, there will just be a lot going on and I am very ready to get it started.

I'm late but at least I'm here or Relflecting on October.

I really thought that October was going to kill me. There was just so much going on between every weekend, all the school work during the week, the Delta Gamma stuff added on top of it. It has been seriously crazy. I really don't know where to start. I don't want to go through every single event or thing that I did, but its probably still important to hit you with the highlights. I mean I wasn't gone every weekend for nothing. In order (to the best of my knowledge) Alena's reception: successful addendum and adorable present, Olivia's installation: successful job as installing officer, Miss Oregon Job's Daughters Pageant: successful (ish) remarks, I felt super bad because I didn't have a gift, but it all worked out okay, My reception: successful speech, lots of presents, friends there, video recording, just all around madness, Grand Initiation: roughly 3 or 4 mistakes short of being perfect, I'll try harder in March, I pushed myself this time, but midterms just didn't help anything, then the great rummage weekend which was like a marathon, but the good news is almost all of Alena's Grand Officer Scrapbook is done. Then the last weekend of October was volunteering at the convention, volunteering at the Golden Harvest Dinner and then Halloween found me doing homework.

I'm sure I'm repeating myself at this point as I've been writing this blog in shifts but I'm determined to get it done. The moral of the story is October was ridiculous and although November will be slightly better, I want to get through next week because I don't think anything will be quite as much of a ridiculous combo as trying to deal with the pairing of I week and homework because there really is something going on every night Sunday through Thursday. If I don't get as much of my homework done as possible this weekend, then I will be staying up late and it will be a ridiculously terrible week, with the obvious positives of the fact that its I week.

So for now I should get sleep, it is quickly becoming a rare commodity in my life.

One Month Late (more or less) but about a million memories richer

Man, I have been trying to update my blog for a month, seriously, but I refuse to post half-written things and I just was way to busy. So here we go. Finally the time. Okay, so I have a lot of things to reflect on so forgive me if I forget something but I'm going to do the best I can. I'm also going to try to cover both worlds (that would be school and rainbow). Okay so first up is where I left off, Opening Days, I had a pretty amazing group they were the Jump Start colloquium so I had to share them with Marla but that was totally okay because they were 8 of the coolest kids I have ever met and I was so happy to get to know them and to help them start their college experience. It always makes me smile when I get to see them which is not often enough and I'm sad that my schedule is too ridiculous to actually get to go to the reunion that Blake is planning. The thing that has actually stuck with me the most out of the entire Opening Days experience was Reality Check. Not necessarily being in the production itself although that did impact me as well, but actually getting to the roots of feelings, emotions, past experiences during the Reality Check Cast Debrief. It was just the perfect group of people in the right setting and it just was amazing.

Then the beginning of school. I actually got into all the classes that I wanted which was one of my biggest stresses about the beginning of this semester, I also got the good news that my half credit Stage Makeup class does not start until the half semester point which in this specific case will be Oct. 18th. So I got just into my rhythm this being that I finally figured out all my classes, Mariah and I got our room set up and everything was going good.

Phase 2, I went to a COB event at Delta Gamma, the Glee event, I was super excited because not only am I in love with Glee but I was really interested in DG. That was Wednesday, by the next Monday I was moved into Delta Gamma. It was a crazy couple of days, I remember feeling completely exhausted and overwhelmed and a little bit scared.

Now I'm feeling so much better about it. I honestly think that moving into the DG house was probably the best thing that I could have done at this point in my life. I have 3 solid meals a day. I get my homework done. Almost every day I'm in bed at a reasonable hour. I always get out of bed at the appropriate hour. Its amazing, I just feel so stable here. This probably sounds absolutely ridiculous but my mind is just doing a lot better. I feel so much better, I feel like I have my life under control.

Also, in the middle of all of this was Bid Day which was lots of fun but I felt terrible that I had to leave early but that is part of leading a double life.

I am happy to be back in the swing of doing rainbow things, I like being busy, I like talking to people and socializing and going to events, as much as I complain about it I do like the routine of on the weekends putting up my hair, putting on my make up, getting that dress on and getting things done.