The Good, the bad, and the leaders.

During Opening Days leader training, I have been reflecting a lot on the other sorts of leadership training that I have had, especially my Outdoor School training, I keep having flashbacks to specific parts of ODS training. But the other, not so relevant thoughts that I have been having, I was thinking about the fact that I probably wasn't a very good OD kid, actually I was thinking that I wasn't a good any sort of kid. I feel like I always talked too much, or too little, or was really clingy, or just everything. I just kept having these thoughts (especially now that I'm a leader) that I was a kid that got talked about during staff meetings, that they made jokes out of or used as an example. It really took Evan saying "No you weren't one of the ones I would have changed" and even then I don't know how much I believe him.

I feel like I've been need extra validation recently. Just about everything. I just have lost all belief in myself and I don't know why. I need to be able to say I got a position as an OD leader over others, I need to say that I deserve to be GWAA and eventually GWA, I need to say that I work hard, and that my grades although not perfect are good enough. I need to say that I AM NOT what I eat, but I should be in more control of it. I need to say lots of things. I guess I feel like anytime I say anything that is positive about myself that I have to turn around and either contradict it or explain it or apologize for saying it, and then I feel like I need a spine because I should be able to defend myself, but then we have another contradiction because I can't defend myself too much because I need to play the game. Its just so hard, but then I have the contradiction of calling myself selfish because I know that there is always someone who has it worse than me. I just don't know anymore. This is killing me. I really want a hug, lately I've been feeling like I need someone to care about me, because although in my head I know Kyle cares about me, lately with being back and school, and with being on a crazy schedule, and with him working all the time and seeming to be unhappy about lots of things, I don't feel in my heart like he cares. I know that at some point my mother will read this because when it was just a journal of supreme it wasn't that big of deal, so here is the disclaimer, Mom, I know you care about me, and I love you very much and I don't want you to be worried about me, this is just stuff that has been going on in my head that I really need to get out, I'm not stressed, I've just been a little depressed lately and it is OK.

Jumping off of that I do want to say that this is in no way a pity party or a hey look at me, except that it is. Sometimes I just hit a wall, I get to this point that I am so exhausted from spending as much time as I can doing things for other people and caring about them, and worrying about them, and I don't feel like I spend enough time caring about myself, because yes I take care of myself, and I take time for myself, but I don't care about myself, if it is better for other people then generally I will do that, and I will do it as best as I can. I guess I just want someone to recognize that, I just keep circling around to the idea that I really want a hug, someone to see that I'm doing a lot and show me that its noticed.

Alright, enough of that.

Brain Tug of War (going like 6 ways)

Well, one of the first things I do in almost all of my blog updates is explain the title. So the explanation of this title is that I was thinking about all the things that I am constantly trying to juggle in my head and visualizing it, it switched from juggling to a big game of tug of war. So I gotta put it all out there and regain equilibrium.

First and currently most pressing on the sheet is Opening Days, I'm super stoked to be a leader and to meet my group but I feel like sitting through meetings for most of the day is pretty exhausting for everyone including me. I just want everything to be perfect, I want to be a better leader than I was a student. I want to get OD started already, I think part of what is killing me is that we are spending just as much time training as we do with the kids and a lot of it is stuff that I feel like I've got from Link Crew, or being a Zoo Teen Leader, or FBLA workshops, or any of the host of other things that I have done this same sort of training with. Oh well, 2 days until the kids get here, although technically they are already here because they are the jump start colloquium so they are off somewhere in the woods learning about the water planet.

Next would definitely be Rainbow. I finally got my plans approved (by e-mail of all things) and so now I want to hit the ground running but the minute I think that and my mom and I try to act on it, there are all sorts of things to put on the breaks. I can't order my mascots yet, I can't start purchasing the gift stuff, I can't do anything on Alena's quilt, I pretty much feel like I waited so long for this approval and even with it I'm still waiting. I am probably the person who hates the "hurry up and wait" action more than anyone else.

Third and almost as annoying as the previous one would definitely be school not because its trouble some or because I can't handle the work (it hasn't started yet), I'm frustrated because I am waitlisted for two classes and I simply cannot handle not knowing which classes I will be taking, it stresses me out too much.

Then just throw in all the other things like talking to Kyle all the time and really wanting him to be happy, and wanting to make friends because in large groups I'm socially awkward and sometimes really shy. Stressing about the fact that I am completely unpacked and I'm actually feeling settled in so I'm worried about having to completely re-arrange stuff when and if we get the beds bunked and stuff.

One Day left, then a new countdown begins

Well, today, what to say about today. It started out terrible with something that should not have happened and that I didn't want to happen and then I had to deal with a day at the corn booth. The good news is I basically used my patented (not really) ability to "Suck it up and deal" and so I did. I'm just ready to be back at school, I just have to deal with one more fair day and then I can have set schedules of stuff, I can know what I'm doing, I think my least favorite part of the next two years is feeling like I'm going to be living out a suitcase and totes and stuff, I just hate it.

Sorry for the short blog.

Everything that has happened and will happen since then

I am attempting to report on everything that I am doing especially everything rainbow; however, I intentionally did not report on the second day of Grandie Retreat because that was an especially hard and a little (or more) emotional day for me. When my emotions are running high it can either be a really good thing to write and get it all out or a really bad thing and I felt like in that particular case it was not such a positive experience because I would have been whining and complaining more than expressing my true feelings. So I'm just going to look back on it and say that it was a long hard day of instruction and talks and Mrs. Lovelin reading information papers to us. Then between Grandie Retreat and now, now being the Wednesday night of Corn Booth, I have pretty much shopped and accomplished almost all of my packing for college. It wasn't a very exciting 2 days. Now comes corn booth, my true blogging plan for corn booth is to type in all of the receipts that I have written on throughout my days at the fair. The problem is I probably won't have time to get all of that typed in any time soon, because really it takes a while for me to have the real time to set aside and do it. I am going to try to blog throughout the training and Opening Days experience and I am actually really excited about it. Talking to Brenna just about stuff made me excited because I know that they are excited and that it seems like we have a good group and things should work out well. I'm also excited to get back to school and finally have a steady schedule. Only two more days of fair, which is probably the best news anyone could give me. I feel like I'm getting to old for this, between the back aches, shoulder tension, and major muscle cramps, including a charlie horse in my left calf, is just way to much pain for a person my age, I mean really. Alright, I guess its bed time.

Some Goals, edited as they come, no specific time

-Travel aimlessly around Europe
-attend Comic-con
-Skydive
-Read every novel by Jane Austen
-Write a complete story
-Be Proud of my accomplishments
-Be happy with my body exactly as it is
-create healthy eating habits.

Sleeping Bag Update

Kinda obviously I call these the "Sleeping Bag Update" because I am updating my blog from my sleeping bag, but on top of it, not in it, I'm not crazy. It is really hot even with a ga-gillion fans, its still hot, even though its dark out and late-ish, its still hot. So I'm doing the on-top-of-the-sleeping-bag-thing. In order to be with my precious computer I am sleeping or typing now in the east, by myself, I feel kinda bad and a little lonely but I don't think its a big deal because everyone has someone and for now my someone is the internet. Tonight Grandie Retreat went pretty well, I don't know, I don't know how to act because part of me wants to have authority, part of me wants to be a kid, part of me wants to be an adult, and part of me says its not my time and I just really feel like I don't know which part to become.

I guess I just kinda have to find my spot, hang out with my friends some, but hold my ground with the not sleeping near them thing. I don't know, I'm tired, I didn't get enough sleep. I'm not feeling normal, I'm feeling weird, I'm in such a weird mood, I don't feel normal. I already said that, I'm repeating myself now, this is crazy.

T-Minus a few hours to Grandie Retreat

I'm getting really excited about Grandie Retreat. Not just because its when I get to present my plans to Mrs. Noah, although that is part of it. I get to see everyone that I haven't seen since June (with the exception of those at Supreme) but I'm excited to see them too, I'm excited to see everyone. I'm excited to start this new year. I just love it so much, going to everything, doing everything, all the events, I'm actually stoked about installation season.

Anyway, just had to get that out.

Brain Overload

Last night, I was running around like a crazy person just because I had to take care of my dad's computer. I kept thinking that I have so much going on in my head and sometimes I think I can't balance it all but lately right after I have that thought I have another thought. This thought gives me hope because right after the "I want to give up, I can't do this" wave comes the "yes you can, take it one thing at a time and you can conquer whatever you want" thought. I'm really proud of myself for making that improvement, for being able to believe in myself and believe that I can do it. I don't think I was in this place a year ago. The place where I can have faith in myself that I can do everything on my plate, and I can also have faith in God that he will help me and he only gives me what he knows I can handle.

In much lighter news, Grandie Retreat is coming in two days (aka Friday, I'm never quite positive that I count days correctly). This is the time that I actually present my plans for next year to Mrs. Noah, I'm getting so excited about it. If she doesn't approve of my first plan I love my second one just as much so I'll be happy no matter what. In all honesty, and this may sound fake but I promise its real, I would be happy with someone else's plan because that is not at all what being Grand Worthy Advisor is about to me. Its about the inspiration and the service and just bringing together all the girls of Oregon through this amazing organization that we are a part of. I'm really honored that I get the opportunity to do that, and to try and spread my words and my spirit to others, with the hope that the girls will feel not only how important our organization is but how much we can do and what our service means to those it effects.

Anyway, sometimes I just have to get those words out of my system, I just like to say that stuff, its always kinda swirling around in my head. It will be better when I have speeches and stuff to focus and let it out that way. I was happy that I got to write an article along those lines for the Oregon Rainbow Journey.

That is actually not my intention for the next paragraph so I'm trying again. I read Alena's blog today, she wrote two entries about Supreme, and please don't get me wrong, I don't mean anything rude, or negative, or any of that. I'm just glad that I was writing my own thoughts one or two day(s) at a time so that I can look back on it and really feel what I was feeling and remember it and look at the pictures with it. I feel like Alena's blog doesn't have a very personal aspect to it, like she says what we did but she doesn't say why it was fun or more specific things, and I think that everyone should have their own recollection of it, that is why I was hesitant to give Jordan and Taylor the information for my blog because I feel like they shouldn't remember Supreme the way I remember it, they should remember it the way they remember it, ya know?

I guess I just felt like I should say that. I have a lot I want to say but this is long enough and I have to go.

Home on the couch

Yesterday was spent mostly at the zoo, which was really nice but I feel like the zoo was just too big, it wasn't that we didn't have enough time to see everything but it was so much walking, I feel like its not a friendly zoo for those with short legs. Overall, it was really nice I did love all of the exhibits. That was the bulk of the day and then the rest was dinner at the Union, and packing, talking and various other activites.

I'm just happy to be home. I really enjoyed the trip and I am definitely looking forward to Grand Rapids, Michigan in 2012!

Shorter than the others, but still exhausted by the end

This morning actually started earlier than it needed to but still managed to be later than every other day we have been here, I think, I'm not completely positive. Once we connected with our bus driver we just couldn't seem to get rid of him. He took us lots of places.

First he took us to Boys Town, it was good, I just wished I had seen the movie before we came so I could better understand the history and importance of it all. I am really glad that Taylor, Olivia, Maranda and I managed to find two parks one slightly better than the other, plus we got to see the amazing church, I've always been a huge fan of stained glass.

Next from the bus driver was village point an outdoor mall, for those Oregonians out there I would say it was a very nice hybrid of Bridgeport Village and the Woodburn Outlet malls. This adventure had two main highlights the first being a Cheeseburger in Paradise (although I didn't actually eat mine in paradise, see part 2) part 2 being surprising everyone with the impromptu chopping off of Taylors hair, it looks adorable by the way. Since yesterday we have been checking with every open salon we have been near that accepts walk-ins and have had no luck. The problem that caused was we had told everyone we had to leave lunch early (hence no paradise) because we had a surprise. So as a VERY LAST STITCH effort we thought we would check out Sportsman's Haircuts we found it online and knew it was at the mall but we figured they only served men, well they don't, and they only take walk-ins and so they had just enough time to fit Taylor in so we could make it to the bus which we did and everyone loved her hair.

Last but by no means least was the FunPlex. I love the lazy river, the waterslide, the roller coaster, pretty much everything but the chaos.

All for now.

The Half and Half Day

I call today the half and half day because it is half Supreme Assembly and half fun trip. The Supreme Assembly portion had one more set of Jurisdictional Skits, and then it was closing, Supreme closing is soooo different and there were parts of it that really bothered me. Then they sang a state specific song that I have never ever heard before. Also, I forgot to mention that during this time was the Acting Supreme Worthy Advisor Sammie's remarks, they were beautiful (of course) and I feel like if I can be even a third of the Grand Worthy Advisor she is it will be a major accomplishment. Then there was a break before Supreme Installation and finally finally finally Team Oregon got to sit together. Then came Supreme Installation which basically was like a normal Open Installation of Officers except that it was a lot shorter, which was really nice. No one believed me that it would be short but I had faith and I was able to do the I told you so dance.

After Installation we went to the Tavern in the Hilton (not a real Tavern, that is just in the name) for lunch, there they have a special waaayyyy less expensive menu just for the Rainbow Girls. Last time we ate there I had the fancy-ed up Mac and Cheese which was delicious and this time I had the Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup. The tomato soup was fancy and delicious and it may re-appear later in this blog,so pretty please pay attention or don't, not like it matters. Post delicious lunch we changed and it was tie for the first of many adventures over the next few days.

This adventure was Old Market, we walked around so like previous entries, I'm just going to hit you with the highlights:
-We got the most delicious ice cream ever from Maggie Moos, mine was Red Velvet Cake Ice Cream which I may or may not be addicted to now
-We found the perfect gift for Alena
-We bought henna stuff :D
- We took a 10 minute ride on the "Princess-mobile" which was this carriage looking thing which was awesome
and we did the princess wave and saw almost everyone
-the adults missed the bus, that was exciting

Lastly we had dinner at the Old Mattress Factory with possibly the coolest waiter ever, seriously, it was ridiculous, he was funny and sarcastic, and responsive and helpful and pretty much awesome. I wrote him a letter, I will not be posting that picture online, ever, I ran away when he started reading it even though it was silly and stupid and I signed it from all the Rainbow girls.

Taylor and I then had some quality pool time which was really nice and a good way to relax and unwind.

Finally we actually used the henna, that was a real adventure

Thats today, see you tomorrow

Space Cadet Addition to the Big Day

I totally forgot CAVALCADE OF FLAGS! That tells you how tired I am. Oh well, it deserves a blog post all on its own, it was amazing, I took over 400 pictures, Kenzie and I are going to attempt to make a flip book out of them.

I think thats really it.

Supreme: The Big Day

I call this the big day because we had 3 supreme session today. So the day starts off with a little shuttle bus because that seems to be how we're rollin' these days although honestly I'd rather be rollin' a segway because they seem pretty awesome plus I have the parody "White & Nerdy" by Weird Al stuck in my head. Off to session one. This was formal opening and then initiation, then SKITS! But not just any skit, it was time for Oregon to be in almost the middle of that group of jurisdictional skit representatives. I'm proud of myself because I was actually able to say it from memory without having to consult my cheat sheet and this was a minimal amount of whole body shaking. The one major downside is that I'm pretty sure my voice sounded funny because I have a deep voice to begin with and I'm some what losing my voice, although my "losing my voice" never gets worse than raspy, I swear, its like impossible for me to lose my voice and I talk...A LOT! Anywho my voice sounded funny over the microphone but part of that may have been the echo which weirded me out a little bit. Then it was off to the girls luncheon, I love all girls events because I didn't realize how addicted I was to swaps until I actually got into it but oh my goodness it is a lot of fun. Also, we had a salad for lunch which in the mind of teenage girls (except me because I have seem my mothers lunches) does not actually count as a full lunch. Then there was an entertaining skit about a caterpillar's mock initiation into becoming a butterfly featuring the grand jurisdictions of Texas and California. Oh, must not forget when I mention this lunch that I have to mention the bubbles, I took lots of pictures of the girls blowing bubbles, apparently its the best meal give away ever, something to keep in mind I suppose.

Now comes the sad part, WE MISSED ALENA'S PRELUDE stupid buses, there weren't enough of them and everything was running late and it was terrible. I feel really bad because that was a big honor for both Alena and Oregon Rainbow, I am anxious to hear the recording that Mrs. Weidrich made, to re-live (kind of) Alena's piece. Then was afternoon session which was a very nice, very relaxed session, that in a nutshell went SKITS, Supreme Choir Selection, SKITS. It was quick though which was good because we were able to head to dinner.

We went to something called the "Union Bar" and we all got half price appetizers which I'm pretty sure are the best things ever. Seriously. No joke. best thing ever. Also, we were able to watch drama unfold on a GIGANTIC projector screen, I had no idea what was going on, that football guy, Brett Far-v (if your Kenzie)or Fav-ray (if your Alena) was doing something or other and people cared. Nadine just says he is old and not hot like some other football player, Olivia and I talked about her installation instead.

Then evening session, Oregon was (somewhat) suprised with another honor, Olivia was invited to sing during the Supreme Officers March in drill, which is pretty much crazy cool. She did amazing. Then some other stuff happened, we didn't win ritual awards but we are still very proud. I very much enjoyed listening to Mrs. Little's address although secretly I'm a little disappointed that she doesn't sound more Canadian. I hope someday I can hear an Australian Supreme Worthy Advisor speak.

Next comes the girls mixer, not a lot to go into here, I'm getting tired so I'm just going to shoot you with the cliff notes:
-Justin Bieber sings like a girl
- I rocked out to Love Shack with the Acting Supreme Worthy Advisor (crazy cool)
-We left early
-There was definitely a thunderstorm and possibly a monsoon type thing and 50 miles from us there was a tornado warning
-The light rain when we were finally let outside was warm and unpleasant

Last events of the day were my impromptu role as Town Crier and Cupcake Fairy and a wonderful but all to short phone call with Kyle.

Its WAAAAAAYYYY past my bedtime, see you tomorrow.

Supreme Day 2 and 3

Yesterday started with a devotional service which was actually pretty cool, they had these rainbow flags that they used as part of the floor work which was pretty neat. Then the Supreme Officers (with some minor changes) performed the memorial service which is different than ours but still has some of the same components. Then we had the Grand Cross Service and Brunch. The food at the brunch was interesting, I've never had a quiche with a sweet pie crust which I thought was just kinda weird. The one major upside to Grand Cross Brunch was that we made a connection with the delegation from Aruba and now are planning a trip their for July 2011 which I am absolutely stoked for because I will be the GWA then. So when I get home the research begins on getting a passport because I haven't had a new one since I was like 6 months old. After the Grand Cross Brunch we went shopping in the vendors room which was pretty cool I got one of the new blue rituals and saw a GIGANTIC rainbow crown, I don't know if I could balance the thing on my head, the good news is I don't think Mrs. Noah is even considering it. After our little shopping break we had mixers with our different groups which turned out to be a little bit of a production but it all worked out. After the mixer we had ritual practice and then we went to the Supreme Banquet which was cool there was a talent section and then a performance by this amazing acapella group and in case I haven't mentioned it, I absolutely love acapella music, we have an all male and an all female group at Willamette and they are both absolutely amazing. Then after the banquet we had another ritual practice, at this practice I got it word perfect which made me really really happy because I worked hard because this is really important to me. Then it took 12 years for us to get back to the hotel because there has been all sort of frustration and miscommunication and annoyance with the bus/shuttle/transportation system. It was late when we got back but we stayed up late enough to say happy birthday to Taylor on Omaha time.

Then we woke up RIDICULOUSLY early to go to an Oregon only breakfast to celebrate Taylor's birthday and Mrs. Wilson's almost two years as Acting Supreme Recorder. This breakfast was good except honestly I don't remember a lot of it because I was soooo dang tired. Then we had one more team ritual practice. Then the other girls got to go back and sleep but I had a jurisdictional skit practice which went by really fast, but I got some cool swaps and got to talk to the girls which is always really fun. I'm sitting between Ohio and Vermont and they are both really nice. Then finally it was my turn to go back and take a nap which was pretty glorious I must say. Then we had a quick lunch and got ready to leave again. We finally performed our team ritual work for real and we actually did a really good job. Then I ironed my dress and waited around for what felt like forever before I was able to do my individual ritual competition. My individual did not go very well but I am choosing to be proud of myself because I made the effort and I tried. After that I celebrated with some raspberry sorbet because the other girls were having supreme choir practice. Then we had dinner, which in my case was a very delicious fancy-ed up version of mac and cheese. It was awesome. Then we were off to the civic center for informal opening. Overall the introductions seemed to go by fairly fast and I thought it was a good session. I took lots of pictures but they aren't the best because the setting that has the best lighting for that room does not have the best zoom capabilities so you win some you lose some. We got back to the hotel earlier than I expected to which was pretty nice and we got to just relax and do what we wanted for a couple hours, which is how I was finally able to update this blog that no one reads.

All for now, except that I need to steal Taylor's Supreme Officers dress because it is gorgeous.