During Opening Days leader training, I have been reflecting a lot on the other sorts of leadership training that I have had, especially my Outdoor School training, I keep having flashbacks to specific parts of ODS training. But the other, not so relevant thoughts that I have been having, I was thinking about the fact that I probably wasn't a very good OD kid, actually I was thinking that I wasn't a good any sort of kid. I feel like I always talked too much, or too little, or was really clingy, or just everything. I just kept having these thoughts (especially now that I'm a leader) that I was a kid that got talked about during staff meetings, that they made jokes out of or used as an example. It really took Evan saying "No you weren't one of the ones I would have changed" and even then I don't know how much I believe him.
I feel like I've been need extra validation recently. Just about everything. I just have lost all belief in myself and I don't know why. I need to be able to say I got a position as an OD leader over others, I need to say that I deserve to be GWAA and eventually GWA, I need to say that I work hard, and that my grades although not perfect are good enough. I need to say that I AM NOT what I eat, but I should be in more control of it. I need to say lots of things. I guess I feel like anytime I say anything that is positive about myself that I have to turn around and either contradict it or explain it or apologize for saying it, and then I feel like I need a spine because I should be able to defend myself, but then we have another contradiction because I can't defend myself too much because I need to play the game. Its just so hard, but then I have the contradiction of calling myself selfish because I know that there is always someone who has it worse than me. I just don't know anymore. This is killing me. I really want a hug, lately I've been feeling like I need someone to care about me, because although in my head I know Kyle cares about me, lately with being back and school, and with being on a crazy schedule, and with him working all the time and seeming to be unhappy about lots of things, I don't feel in my heart like he cares. I know that at some point my mother will read this because when it was just a journal of supreme it wasn't that big of deal, so here is the disclaimer, Mom, I know you care about me, and I love you very much and I don't want you to be worried about me, this is just stuff that has been going on in my head that I really need to get out, I'm not stressed, I've just been a little depressed lately and it is OK.
Jumping off of that I do want to say that this is in no way a pity party or a hey look at me, except that it is. Sometimes I just hit a wall, I get to this point that I am so exhausted from spending as much time as I can doing things for other people and caring about them, and worrying about them, and I don't feel like I spend enough time caring about myself, because yes I take care of myself, and I take time for myself, but I don't care about myself, if it is better for other people then generally I will do that, and I will do it as best as I can. I guess I just want someone to recognize that, I just keep circling around to the idea that I really want a hug, someone to see that I'm doing a lot and show me that its noticed.
Alright, enough of that.
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