One Month Late (more or less) but about a million memories richer

Man, I have been trying to update my blog for a month, seriously, but I refuse to post half-written things and I just was way to busy. So here we go. Finally the time. Okay, so I have a lot of things to reflect on so forgive me if I forget something but I'm going to do the best I can. I'm also going to try to cover both worlds (that would be school and rainbow). Okay so first up is where I left off, Opening Days, I had a pretty amazing group they were the Jump Start colloquium so I had to share them with Marla but that was totally okay because they were 8 of the coolest kids I have ever met and I was so happy to get to know them and to help them start their college experience. It always makes me smile when I get to see them which is not often enough and I'm sad that my schedule is too ridiculous to actually get to go to the reunion that Blake is planning. The thing that has actually stuck with me the most out of the entire Opening Days experience was Reality Check. Not necessarily being in the production itself although that did impact me as well, but actually getting to the roots of feelings, emotions, past experiences during the Reality Check Cast Debrief. It was just the perfect group of people in the right setting and it just was amazing.

Then the beginning of school. I actually got into all the classes that I wanted which was one of my biggest stresses about the beginning of this semester, I also got the good news that my half credit Stage Makeup class does not start until the half semester point which in this specific case will be Oct. 18th. So I got just into my rhythm this being that I finally figured out all my classes, Mariah and I got our room set up and everything was going good.

Phase 2, I went to a COB event at Delta Gamma, the Glee event, I was super excited because not only am I in love with Glee but I was really interested in DG. That was Wednesday, by the next Monday I was moved into Delta Gamma. It was a crazy couple of days, I remember feeling completely exhausted and overwhelmed and a little bit scared.

Now I'm feeling so much better about it. I honestly think that moving into the DG house was probably the best thing that I could have done at this point in my life. I have 3 solid meals a day. I get my homework done. Almost every day I'm in bed at a reasonable hour. I always get out of bed at the appropriate hour. Its amazing, I just feel so stable here. This probably sounds absolutely ridiculous but my mind is just doing a lot better. I feel so much better, I feel like I have my life under control.

Also, in the middle of all of this was Bid Day which was lots of fun but I felt terrible that I had to leave early but that is part of leading a double life.

I am happy to be back in the swing of doing rainbow things, I like being busy, I like talking to people and socializing and going to events, as much as I complain about it I do like the routine of on the weekends putting up my hair, putting on my make up, getting that dress on and getting things done.

The Good, the bad, and the leaders.

During Opening Days leader training, I have been reflecting a lot on the other sorts of leadership training that I have had, especially my Outdoor School training, I keep having flashbacks to specific parts of ODS training. But the other, not so relevant thoughts that I have been having, I was thinking about the fact that I probably wasn't a very good OD kid, actually I was thinking that I wasn't a good any sort of kid. I feel like I always talked too much, or too little, or was really clingy, or just everything. I just kept having these thoughts (especially now that I'm a leader) that I was a kid that got talked about during staff meetings, that they made jokes out of or used as an example. It really took Evan saying "No you weren't one of the ones I would have changed" and even then I don't know how much I believe him.

I feel like I've been need extra validation recently. Just about everything. I just have lost all belief in myself and I don't know why. I need to be able to say I got a position as an OD leader over others, I need to say that I deserve to be GWAA and eventually GWA, I need to say that I work hard, and that my grades although not perfect are good enough. I need to say that I AM NOT what I eat, but I should be in more control of it. I need to say lots of things. I guess I feel like anytime I say anything that is positive about myself that I have to turn around and either contradict it or explain it or apologize for saying it, and then I feel like I need a spine because I should be able to defend myself, but then we have another contradiction because I can't defend myself too much because I need to play the game. Its just so hard, but then I have the contradiction of calling myself selfish because I know that there is always someone who has it worse than me. I just don't know anymore. This is killing me. I really want a hug, lately I've been feeling like I need someone to care about me, because although in my head I know Kyle cares about me, lately with being back and school, and with being on a crazy schedule, and with him working all the time and seeming to be unhappy about lots of things, I don't feel in my heart like he cares. I know that at some point my mother will read this because when it was just a journal of supreme it wasn't that big of deal, so here is the disclaimer, Mom, I know you care about me, and I love you very much and I don't want you to be worried about me, this is just stuff that has been going on in my head that I really need to get out, I'm not stressed, I've just been a little depressed lately and it is OK.

Jumping off of that I do want to say that this is in no way a pity party or a hey look at me, except that it is. Sometimes I just hit a wall, I get to this point that I am so exhausted from spending as much time as I can doing things for other people and caring about them, and worrying about them, and I don't feel like I spend enough time caring about myself, because yes I take care of myself, and I take time for myself, but I don't care about myself, if it is better for other people then generally I will do that, and I will do it as best as I can. I guess I just want someone to recognize that, I just keep circling around to the idea that I really want a hug, someone to see that I'm doing a lot and show me that its noticed.

Alright, enough of that.

Brain Tug of War (going like 6 ways)

Well, one of the first things I do in almost all of my blog updates is explain the title. So the explanation of this title is that I was thinking about all the things that I am constantly trying to juggle in my head and visualizing it, it switched from juggling to a big game of tug of war. So I gotta put it all out there and regain equilibrium.

First and currently most pressing on the sheet is Opening Days, I'm super stoked to be a leader and to meet my group but I feel like sitting through meetings for most of the day is pretty exhausting for everyone including me. I just want everything to be perfect, I want to be a better leader than I was a student. I want to get OD started already, I think part of what is killing me is that we are spending just as much time training as we do with the kids and a lot of it is stuff that I feel like I've got from Link Crew, or being a Zoo Teen Leader, or FBLA workshops, or any of the host of other things that I have done this same sort of training with. Oh well, 2 days until the kids get here, although technically they are already here because they are the jump start colloquium so they are off somewhere in the woods learning about the water planet.

Next would definitely be Rainbow. I finally got my plans approved (by e-mail of all things) and so now I want to hit the ground running but the minute I think that and my mom and I try to act on it, there are all sorts of things to put on the breaks. I can't order my mascots yet, I can't start purchasing the gift stuff, I can't do anything on Alena's quilt, I pretty much feel like I waited so long for this approval and even with it I'm still waiting. I am probably the person who hates the "hurry up and wait" action more than anyone else.

Third and almost as annoying as the previous one would definitely be school not because its trouble some or because I can't handle the work (it hasn't started yet), I'm frustrated because I am waitlisted for two classes and I simply cannot handle not knowing which classes I will be taking, it stresses me out too much.

Then just throw in all the other things like talking to Kyle all the time and really wanting him to be happy, and wanting to make friends because in large groups I'm socially awkward and sometimes really shy. Stressing about the fact that I am completely unpacked and I'm actually feeling settled in so I'm worried about having to completely re-arrange stuff when and if we get the beds bunked and stuff.

One Day left, then a new countdown begins

Well, today, what to say about today. It started out terrible with something that should not have happened and that I didn't want to happen and then I had to deal with a day at the corn booth. The good news is I basically used my patented (not really) ability to "Suck it up and deal" and so I did. I'm just ready to be back at school, I just have to deal with one more fair day and then I can have set schedules of stuff, I can know what I'm doing, I think my least favorite part of the next two years is feeling like I'm going to be living out a suitcase and totes and stuff, I just hate it.

Sorry for the short blog.

Everything that has happened and will happen since then

I am attempting to report on everything that I am doing especially everything rainbow; however, I intentionally did not report on the second day of Grandie Retreat because that was an especially hard and a little (or more) emotional day for me. When my emotions are running high it can either be a really good thing to write and get it all out or a really bad thing and I felt like in that particular case it was not such a positive experience because I would have been whining and complaining more than expressing my true feelings. So I'm just going to look back on it and say that it was a long hard day of instruction and talks and Mrs. Lovelin reading information papers to us. Then between Grandie Retreat and now, now being the Wednesday night of Corn Booth, I have pretty much shopped and accomplished almost all of my packing for college. It wasn't a very exciting 2 days. Now comes corn booth, my true blogging plan for corn booth is to type in all of the receipts that I have written on throughout my days at the fair. The problem is I probably won't have time to get all of that typed in any time soon, because really it takes a while for me to have the real time to set aside and do it. I am going to try to blog throughout the training and Opening Days experience and I am actually really excited about it. Talking to Brenna just about stuff made me excited because I know that they are excited and that it seems like we have a good group and things should work out well. I'm also excited to get back to school and finally have a steady schedule. Only two more days of fair, which is probably the best news anyone could give me. I feel like I'm getting to old for this, between the back aches, shoulder tension, and major muscle cramps, including a charlie horse in my left calf, is just way to much pain for a person my age, I mean really. Alright, I guess its bed time.

Some Goals, edited as they come, no specific time

-Travel aimlessly around Europe
-attend Comic-con
-Skydive
-Read every novel by Jane Austen
-Write a complete story
-Be Proud of my accomplishments
-Be happy with my body exactly as it is
-create healthy eating habits.

Sleeping Bag Update

Kinda obviously I call these the "Sleeping Bag Update" because I am updating my blog from my sleeping bag, but on top of it, not in it, I'm not crazy. It is really hot even with a ga-gillion fans, its still hot, even though its dark out and late-ish, its still hot. So I'm doing the on-top-of-the-sleeping-bag-thing. In order to be with my precious computer I am sleeping or typing now in the east, by myself, I feel kinda bad and a little lonely but I don't think its a big deal because everyone has someone and for now my someone is the internet. Tonight Grandie Retreat went pretty well, I don't know, I don't know how to act because part of me wants to have authority, part of me wants to be a kid, part of me wants to be an adult, and part of me says its not my time and I just really feel like I don't know which part to become.

I guess I just kinda have to find my spot, hang out with my friends some, but hold my ground with the not sleeping near them thing. I don't know, I'm tired, I didn't get enough sleep. I'm not feeling normal, I'm feeling weird, I'm in such a weird mood, I don't feel normal. I already said that, I'm repeating myself now, this is crazy.